“You are such a burden to your mom!”
I had done something to tick off my grandma. She grabbed a wooden spoon and started spanking my nearly 13-year-old butt. It broke (the spoon, not my butt).
I’m pretty sure I responded to the spoon breaking with some snarky response which sent her over the edge. She grabbed a flyswatter and started chasing me back to my bedroom, hitting me with it over and over again.
The flyswatter didn’t hurt. What hurt were the words she repeated as she hit me. “You are such a burden to your mom! You are such a burden!”
My younger brother stood in the doorway to my bedroom yelling and pleading with my grandmother to stop. I still remember the terrified look on his face. To be honest, I don’t remember how it stopped or for how long it continued. But she did not stop right away. It wasn’t until I was sitting with a counselor at 33 years old recounting the story that I began to scratch the surface of how deeply this scene from my life had wounded me.
Maybe there is something inside of you that feels like you are a burden to those around you. Maybe someone has verbally told you those words. I’m so sorry if that’s the case. I can tell you in my situation, it was both. And, it shaped a core belief, deep down in my heart, that I was a burden and that, in turn, developed within me a shame-based identity (we’ll get more into that later).
You see, my grandma had directly articulated what other experiences were already indirectly communicating to my little girl heart. Had I not already had other experiences seemingly confirming I was a burden, perhaps I could’ve brushed off what had happened and moved on with a strong sense of who I really was. But I didn’t.
The Indirect Messages
When I was eight years old, my father had an affair and got the “other woman” pregnant. For the record, the “other woman” has been my stepmother now for 35+ years whom I love dearly. And the pregnancy resulted in my first half-sister. Another pregnancy shortly thereafter gave me another half-sister. I have a wonderful family and can’t imagine my life without them. I love them dearly and am thankful for them.
However, what I came to recognize at 33 years old was that I could be thankful for and love my family AND still process the hurt that came about because of my dad’s affair. Affairs and divorce cause trauma and that trauma needs to be grieved.
I had been the apple of my daddy’s eye. At 8 years old, before the divorce, I had no doubt that he loved me. He danced with me and delighted in me. We had a secure connection. However, when he had the affair, my parents separated. My mom moved to Washington state (we lived in Michigan at the time) so that my brother and I could finish out our school year with my dad, but my little girl heart didn’t understand that.
Despite my parents explaining what was happening to the best of their ability, I simply couldn’t fully comprehend the brokenness of the situation. Just, all of the sudden, my mom was gone. I had gone to a gymnastics meet and won a 3rd place trophy the day she left. I was so excited to come back home to show her as I didn’t understand that when she said goodbye, it was for a while. All I remember is that she was not there for me to share my joy and excitement over my accomplishment. Reality finally began to sink in.
When the summer rolled around a couple of months later, my younger brother and I moved states away to live with my mom. Shortly thereafter, my dad chose to stay with his new family, and my parents officially divorced.
What were the indirect messages that my little girl heart received from my dad in particular? Now, keep in mind, my dad still loved me, I do not doubt that. He never, ever verbally said these words to me, nor do I believe he ever thought them. Yet, his actions spoke deep into the core of my being.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but here are the messages my heart received:
- I am not worth it
- I am not enough
- I am not wanted
- I am not valuable
- I am not seen (our daily interaction had been replaced primarily by summertime visits)
- I am not worth knowing
- Another little girl is more important than me
The seed of shame had been planted. Unfortunately, it was later watered by my mom.
More Indirect Messages
She was just doing the best she could. It’s not like life had turned out the way she had dreamed of either. For several years after the divorce, my brother and I lived with my single, full-time working mother. At first, we lived with her at her parents’ small house in Federal Way, WA. We eventually moved into various apartments – a far cry from what we had when our family was together in Michigan where I could freely do cartwheels in my own bedroom and play in the woods in the backyard. Now, my brother and I shared a tiny bedroom with bunk beds and our play area was relegated to a parking lot.
In seventh grade, I started rebelling a bit more. I was constantly butting heads with my mom, and it was affecting my brother as well. I would skip school and steal things. It seemed like I was getting out of control. Then, one day, I made the ultra wise decision to blast Eazy-E out of our apartment window when my mom was gone.
If you are not familiar with Eazy-E, this is the “gangsta rap” era of my life. Needless to say, the lyrics are not family-friendly. My mom received a call from the apartment manager complaining about my behavior.
With everything spinning out of control, my mom sought counsel from our pastor as to what to do with me. He suggested that she kick me out and have me go live with her parents. (I didn’t know that until I started processing all of this hurt in my 30’s. I just knew my mom kicked me out).
My mom deeply regrets taking that advice, and I am shocked that it was the advice that she received. Yet, desperate times called for desperate measures. Again, she didn’t know what to do to help the situation, but my young heart didn’t understand that at the time.
So, now, on top of the messages I received from my dad because of his affair and subsequent splitting up of our family, I was receiving similar indirect messages from my mom.
- I am not worth fighting for
- I am too much
- I am not wanted
- I am not valuable
Again, she never said any of these things directly to me. She loved me and was honestly trying to figure out what was best for everyone given the situation. Yet, my heart was greatly impacted.
In my recollection, I thought I had stayed at my grandparents’ house for maybe a month or two. In speaking with my mom recently, she said it was about a week. She just didn’t feel right about it and brought me back home. I actually don’t remember coming back home at all. And, it felt longer than a week.
During that time, every day after school my brother and I stayed at grandma and grandpa’s house until my mom got off work and took us home. Except, now, when she arrived after work, only my brother would get to go home with her. I was left behind.
The loneliness and sadness that I felt was overwhelming. I didn’t have a great relationship with my grandparents and pretty much lived in that back bedroom as I didn’t feel comfortable by myself in the rest of the house.
“You are such a burden to your mom!
Then the day came when my grandma lost it with me and repeatedly told me, “You are such a burden to your mom”. Those eight words solidified in my heart for so many years thereafter that I wasn’t just a burden to my mom, but that I, my very self, my being, my existence, was a burden to this world.
So, as I sat with a counselor for the first time in my life at 33 years old, having just confessed to a five-year-long affair, I was surprised that when I gave a quick recap of my life this event with my grandma made the list. I honestly hadn’t given it much conscious thought up until that time. Yet, as I talked with my counselor, we quickly honed in on what a significant wound that it was in my life and how it so greatly impacted beliefs about myself.
What is a Shame-Based Identity?
I had finally come to understand why I was so easily triggered and defensive when I was corrected in some way, or when it was pointed out that I did something “wrong”. And, by “wrong”, I mean even the littlest of things, like when my husband would comment about how I pulled into the garage or how I loaded the dishwasher.
It would shake me. Why? Because it wasn’t that I just did something wrong or unsatisfactory. It was because deeply rooted in my heart was the belief that I WAS WRONG. Me, all of me, my very existence was not right or good. This feeling is the essence of a shame-based identity.
“…it wasn’t that I just did something wrong or unsatisfactory. It was because deeply rooted in my heart was the belief that I WAS WRONG. Me, all of me, my very existence was not right or good.”
– Brenna Naufel
Here is what Tim Sledge says about shame in his book, Making Peace with Your Past:
“Shame is a deep-seated feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Guilt is about what I have done. Shame is about who I am.”
“Having no opportunity to process a painful event can lock the emotions of the trauma in place for decades and can contribute to a shame-based identity. Whether the shame and guilt are communicated directly or indirectly, they translate into a shame-based identity and a guilt-laden thought process in the child.”
“This type of shame does not reside in one small corner of a person’s identity. It infiltrates all feelings and thoughts…shame always lingers beneath the surface of conscious thoughts. Even though shame permeates the individual’s identity, he or she may not recognize its presence…Ultimately, it will make the person feel ashamed for existing.”
– Tim Sledge
If you are struggling with feeling like a burden, maybe that feeling is stemming from something much deeper. SHAME.
Perhaps you received direct messages, like what I experienced with my grandma. Or, you received indirect messages, like what I experienced with my parents’ divorce and having to live with my grandparents. You most likely have a wounded heart in desperate need of healing.
What are your wounds that need healing?
Perhaps you can matter-of-factly tell others your life story without much emotion or thought as to how the experiences of your life must have felt. That was me. “My dad had an affair, and my parents got divorced when I was 8. My brother and I went to live with my mom in Washington state, and my dad remarried. Now, I have a stepmom and two half-sisters, and our family is great!” The end.
Or, perhaps you have been wounded so deeply that you can’t even recall your experiences. While your mind has protected you from your traumatic past, your heart still received messages that have greatly impacted your core beliefs about yourself and the world around you. If this is you, I highly recommend working with a Christian trauma counselor who can come alongside you with God to start unpacking your pain.
Ask God for help, and He will tenderly guide you and hold you up. He is with you! Seek help from others as you navigate these feelings and identify wounds from your past. God can use other people to help you on this journey! I don’t know what I would have done without the tender care and guidance from my Christian counselor to help me unpack my past.
In the meantime, start meditating on His word to fill your heart and mind with truth. We need truth to combat the lies that are etched in your heart! You can be transformed by the renewing of your mind! (Romans 12:2). It’s hard work, friend, but it is oh so worth it! Here are a few verses to get you started :).
Verses in the Bible About Shame
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Romans 8:33-34 NIV
Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth. Isaiah 54:4 NIV
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame. Psalm 25:3 NIV
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 NIV
More Help – Who do you think you are?
Unfortunately, the lies shouted to us by others and Satan himself so easily take root deep into our hearts and minds. It is imperative that we recognize these lies and begin to replace them with the truth as to who we truly are in Christ.
To understand more about your core beliefs and to speak truth to your heart, please do these two things:
1. Check out my post, The Lies We Believe (how our experiences affect our core beliefs), to dig deeper.
2. Download my FREE 28 days of Who I am in Christ affirmation art cards. Each card contains a biblical affirmation and a scripture reference. Use these cards to continue to speak God’s truth to your heart so that you may be transformed by the renewing of your mind! It’s just a small step in the direction of freedom and joy in the Lord.
My prayer and hope for you:
My sweet friend, Sandhya Oaks, who has done a ton of hard work confronting the trauma of her past and allowing God to heal the broken places, sums up this journey of healing better than I ever could. This is my prayer for you:
“Oh, the joy of discovering the beauty and glorious power of being all of who we were created to be!
May we not get stuck under the assumptions, lies, accusations, or woundings from those who have falsely named us.
May we fight for freedom in our stories. It’s not too late to discover and write a new narrative that illuminates the fullness we were meant for.”
– Sandhya Oaks
It’s never too late, friend, for, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 NIV. Let Him speak into the deep recesses of your heart as to who you truly are. Fight for the freedom of your heart and mind. For you are not a burden to Him.
In Grace & Truth, Brenna ♥
