I had no idea that had I been putting bandaids on snake bites my entire life. There’s a good chance that you have been, too.
“But wait,” you say, “I have never been bitten by a snake.” I would argue, “Oh yes, you have, friend.”
One of the sweetest lessons the Lord taught me on my path to healing and restoration was during a brief trip to the YMCA in Estes Park, CO. It was just a couple of months after I confessed to my husband of 11 years that I had a five-year-long affair with a coworker.
Garrett and I were in Estes Park for several days for his staff retreat and based on the recommendations of a few friends, I set off for a hike to nearby Moraine Park. I clutched the rudimentary blue map with squiggly lines to see which direction I should go.
I was looking forward to the refreshment of some time alone in nature and with God. It was difficult being there, as I saw several friends for the first time since the confession. I felt like I was walking around with a giant scarlet A on my chest, forever branded the adulteress.
Eagerly, I began my little hike and prayed, “God, I am here. I am listening. I just want to hear what you want to speak to me today.” I set off in silence hoping to hear something from the Lord.
The lies we believe
I set off on the squiggly line and came across my first bend in the trail. As I took a few steps around the bend I heard a rustling in the tall grass to my right. “Oh, no”, I thought. “What if there’s a snake in there? And what if it bites me? And what if it is poisonous?” And God seemed to ask me the question, “So, what if it is poisonous?” “Well, we’d have to get the poison out, otherwise it would kill me,” I replied.
And God began to teach me. “Exactly. Brenna, you have been bitten by a snake. The most dangerous snake of all. A deceitful snake that hisses untruths and lies. He is poisonous. And, if we don’t get that poison out of your system, it will cause death. Death of your heart. Of joy. Of life. Of freedom.”
The poison was the past hurt done to me, the hurt I have caused, and the lies that I believed. This poison inside of me was killing me, and I didn’t even know it! It robbed me of joy, life, and freedom.
Yet, for so long, I had been completely unaware that it was poison inside of me that needed to be dealt with. I had to acknowledge past hurts and grieve them. I had to identify the lies that I believed and understand how those affected my view of God and of myself. I had to combat the lies I was being fed because of my great sin with the affair. It was all poison, causing death. And, now, I had to get it out.
“…but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”
James 3:8 NIV
Check out my post, I am such a burden (identifying a shame-based identity), on how the messages we have received both directly and indirectly impact the stories we believe about ourselves.
Bandaids over snake bites
In the past, I had simply tried to put different bandaids over the wounds while the poison remained and festered within me. My biggest go-to bandaid was seeking love and affirmation from others. Surely love and affirmation from others would combat the hurt I had experienced and the lies that I believed, right? If others accept me and say I am loved, then, the messages I received when I was younger, that I was a burden and unwanted, couldn’t possibly be true! Yet, it was just a bandaid over a snake bite. No real healing or change occurred.
My secondary bandaid was defensiveness. “There’s not anything wrong with me, it’s you!” Good ‘ole finger-pointing. I believe a lot of my defensiveness was borne out of protection from my shame-based identity. I still struggle with defensiveness.
Have you been putting bandaids on your wounds instead of getting the poison out of your system? What are your bandaids?
Some examples could be:
- Pornography
- Alcohol
- Drugs/numbing
- Sexually addictive behavior
- Busyness
- Perfectionism
- Achievement/success
- Avoidance
Now, here’s the real kicker. Oftentimes, we put bandaids on top of other bandaids. So, for example, if pornography is your initial bandaid to cover up a wound or a false belief, you put another bandaid on top of it by simply trying to control your behavior in your own strength.
Maybe you’re successful for a while and abstain. You set boundaries with your computer. Maybe, you tell a trusted friend of your struggle. You do everything you can in your strength to restrict yourself.
Don’t get me wrong. It is a wise and good thing to have healthy boundaries and accountability in your life. Yet, more often than not, they won’t allow you to experience true freedom because they only address your behavior (actions). It winds up being just another bandaid. There is something much deeper that must also be dealt with. Take a look at this graphic from www.intentionstherapy.com:
How our experiences affect our core beliefs
Notice everything that comes before actions:
Experiences → Beliefs → Thoughts → Feelings → then finally, Actions
If you don’t go back to evaluate and understand how your experiences have affected your beliefs, beliefs your thoughts, thoughts your feelings, and then ultimately, how you act out of your feelings, you are never going to get the poison out. You will only continue to put bandaids on snake bites and more bandaids on top of other bandaids.
When I finally confessed, repented, and began to unpack my past to gain a better understanding of why I did the things I did, here is what digging deeper looked like in my life:
| Experiences | – My dad’s affair and subsequent divorce from my mom and starting a new family – My mom kicking me out of our apartment in seventh grade to live with her parents – My grandmother hitting me over and over again with a flyswatter, telling me that I was a burden to my mom. These experiences, among others, shaped my core beliefs… |
| Beliefs about myself | – I am not wanted – I am not worth fighting for – I am not enough and, at the same time, I am too much |
| Beliefs about God (heart-felt view of God) | – God doesn’t see me and He doesn’t care. These beliefs affected my thoughts… |
| Thoughts | – I cannot ask for help because I am just a burden. – Other people don’t want to be with me; it’s all pretend. – My very existence is just wrong. I am wrong. These deeply rooted thoughts impact my feelings… |
| Feelings | – Shame – big time shame. – Defensive – if it was pointed out to me that I did something wrong, I could easily get defensive. Because deep down I didn’t feel like it was just something I did that was wrong. It was that me, who I am, is wrong. – I want to be loved and wanted. I want to be accepted. My feelings determine how I will act/behave… |
| Actions/ Behaviors | – Protect myself by pulling away first if I sensed distance from someone I cared for. – Seek the feeling of being wanted/pursued (initially not taking thoughts captive with fantasies of being pursued to a full-blown affair). |
Unfortunately, I failed to recognize my pattern before I got married. While dating in college, if there was some length of time where I was physically distant from my current boyfriend, then, I wound up engaging in a brief physical encounter with an ex-boyfriend. Something in my heart and mind couldn’t handle the distance. But, I never, ever thought in a million years that I would do something like that once I got married. Yet, I did. Only this time it wasn’t physical distance. It was a spiritual distance from the Lord and an emotional distance from my husband.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15 ESV
Can you relate?
If you are struggling with your behavior/actions, try working backward. Ask yourself:
- What action am I taking/how am I behaving that needs to change?
- When I behave in this way, what am I feeling?
- If you have trouble identifying feelings, which many of us do, download this free feelings chart as a resource.
- Ask God to help you to identify your feelings.
- Talk to others. Sometimes other people can name that feeling for us when we share.
- You may be able to identify some specific triggers here as well.
- When I feel that way, what am I thinking? What thoughts are contributing to that feeling?
- Where did these thoughts come from? What belief is underlying these thoughts?
- What experiences contributed to these beliefs?
Invite others into your journey and ask God for help! Seek out the expertise and help of a Christian counselor. If your core beliefs are contrary to what God says is true about Himself and about you, He longs to heal you and speak His tender truth into your heart.
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?
Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:31-36 ESV
No more bandaids, friend. He longs to heal you and set you free!
In Grace & Truth, Brenna
P.S. Who does God say you are? Have your experiences told you a story contradictory to what God says about you? Fill your heart and mind with the truth about who you are in Christ with our FREE 28 days of “Who I Am in Christ” affirmation printable art cards!
P.P.S. And remember, check out this related post, I am such a burden!
