Should I confess my affair to my spouse?

Big sigh. Most likely if you are reading this, you are trying to find some kind of validation from a stranger online that there are good reasons to not confess your affair to your spouse. Because you are terrified at what that will look like. Horrified at the hurt inflicted upon the one you promised to love and cherish above all others. I know because I have been there.

I had tried to end my affair with a coworker, Trey, numerous times over five years. And I had finally felt like I broke free and was moving on without telling my husband, Garrett. Yet, I saw that after just a few months, I was being sucked right back in.

Confronted with the reality of my sin

It wasn’t until a former coworker, Andy, showed up in my office one morning that I was confronted with the harsh reality of my sin. Andy had abruptly left his job just a couple of weeks before. So, I was quite surprised to see him. Yet, I had fully suspected why he left so quickly. His wife had also had an affair with Trey.

Andy sat in front of me and got straight to the point. “Does Garrett know that you are sleeping with Trey?” I was shocked. I vehemently denied his allegations, even though they were completely true. And, no, Garrett did not know that I had an affair with Trey.  

I fought back the tears as my heart raced, knowing that everything was about to change. I felt embarrassed. I felt scared—no, terrified. I wanted to throw up. Andy left, stating that Garrett had the right to know.

I sat pale-faced in my office for a while, missing most of a staff meeting, yet having to continue working, pretending like everything was ok. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Emotions of every kind flooded my soul, and it was all I could do to fight back the tears that longed to pour out of my aching heart. My eyes continuously monitored the clock, longing for the lunch hour so I could just get away.

Still agonizing over every excruciating minute until my lunch break, it finally arrived, and I ran to my car. I quickly drove to a nearby park, giving every effort to stay focused on the road through the tears that clouded my vision. I parked in an empty parking space and simply broke down. For the next hour, I sat in my car and wept. Tears flooded my face and drenched my shirt as I started to process all that had happened, and all that was about to happen. A myriad of emotions rose within me as I sat alone in that car. Ashamed. Horrified. Angry. 

My heart broke as I grieved all that I had done, and all that was to come. I cried out to the God I had forsaken for so long asking Him what to do. I was now face-to-face with the reality of the tapestry of hurt I had weaved that would cover Garrett’s heart and rip our lives apart.

I begged God that, if there was any way for me to repent but not have to confess to Garrett, to tell me. I didn’t want to crush his heart and his soul. Yet, the damage was already done. “But Lord”, I meekly said, “I will do whatever you ask.”  

Next steps

The weekend couldn’t come fast enough as I tried to determine my next steps. To complicate matters, I was the main source of income and insurance for our family. My husband, being on staff with a college ministry, didn’t make very much money and that had always been our choice and our sacrifice. So, not only was I faced with having to confess this wretched affair, but I was also faced with us losing our main source of income and livelihood.

I spent that Saturday with my time divided between searching online for opinions as to whether or not to tell your spouse about an affair, updating my resume, and searching for new jobs. 

It was not hard to come by a plethora of opinions about confession in this realm. 

Trey himself was in one ear, along with many others in various forums saying, “Don’t tell. You don’t want to go through that heartache and hurt your spouse. They don’t need to know.” Yet, I found myself reeling at those words of “advice”. They made me so incredibly angry. How can anyone say that your spouse doesn’t need to know?!? Me telling my husband what I had done isn’t what will hurt him. Me doing what I had already done is what hurt him. And I can never take that back.

“Me telling my husband what I had done isn’t what will hurt him. Me doing what I had already done is what hurt him. And I can never take that back.”

– Brenna Naufel

Believe me, I didn’t want to tell Garrett because I didn’t know what would happen. Would he slip into a state of depression and never get out? Would he hurt himself? Would he leave me and hate me for as long as he lived? I had so many questions and absolutely no answers. 

But, Andy was right. Garrett absolutely had the right to know. And I believed in my heart that there was no way in the world that I could truly repent without fully coming into the light. I would never be free from the entanglement of this sin if it were to remain hidden.

After all, my deepest longing was to be fully known and fully loved. How could I ever be fully loved if I would not allow myself to be fully known? To be fully known, I would have to share everything about this affair and commit to being truthful and honest no matter what happened. 

So, should you confess to your cheating?

100%, yes. 

That’s not just my opinion friend. It is God’s command.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22

I didn’t need to ask God what to do when it came to confession. He had already answered that question through His Word. I just needed to do what it says. Heck, if I had done that to begin with, then I never would have gone down this path.

I knew that in order to be obedient to Christ, to finally be free, and to heal, I would have to confess to my husband, even though I absolutely dreaded having to do so.

Your spouse, your partner, whoever it is that gave you their complete trust, deserves to know that you trampled that trust. You have told lie after lie and even if you are somehow truly able to leave the affair behind and never cheat again, you are still living in a lie. Your spouse doesn’t fully know you and is deciding to love and trust you based on partial information. 

It’s not only for their benefit but also yours. How can you experience the fullness of this relationship if you are not fully known and continue to live in a lie? There will always be a BUT in your mind…”But, if she only really knew me…But, if he only knew what I did…But, but, but.” And, I would argue, you are much more likely to repeat your mistakes and be enslaved to sin if you don’t go through the healing process of confession and repentance.

You need healing. You need prayer. You need support. You need a change of heart. And, whether you are aware of it or not, you deeply long to be fully known and fully loved. God put that desire in your heart.

Freedom & Joy

Friend, without confession and repentance you cannot live in the freedom and joy you were created to live in. God desires you, all of you. He longs to pour His grace over you and to wash you white as snow. He has already paid for your sin with the death of His son, Jesus, on the cross.

You will have to live with the consequences of your sin; that is the reality whether you confess or not. Yet, there is hope after your affair! Your spouse has a choice to work towards and extend forgiveness. It is their gift to give if they so choose to give it. You cannot control whether they give it nor can you demand it. They need to know all of what they are choosing to forgive. 

Yet, while we do not know if they will choose to forgive, we have the assurance that God forgives us. And, if God forgives us, we can forgive ourselves!

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

My relationship with God and my husband is so much richer, deeper, and on a much firmer foundation than it was before my affair. God is faithful and He promises that He works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). 

God brought me on a tender journey of better understanding why I did the things I did; not to excuse my behavior in any way, but to better understand. He healed deep wounds and the false beliefs I had about Him and who I am in Him. He enabled me to know Him as my perfect Father, who delights in me and showers me with His grace.

Now, when Garrett tells me he loves me, I can accept it with my whole heart. When he extended his forgiveness to me, it was complete. Because he fully knows me and all my sin. There are no “buts” in my mind.

More importantly, I am now able to fully live in the freedom Christ created me for! I am no longer living in darkness enslaved to sin. And that, my friends, is pure JOY.

In Truth & Grace,

Brenna

P.S. Check out my related posts “Will God forgive me for having an affair?” and “Is there hope for my marriage after an affair?”