There I was. 100% buck naked in the middle of a battlefield. Yet I didn’t even know it. Slowly, naively, I had laid down my protective armor, piece by piece, thinking that I could fight this battle without it. That I would be strong enough on my own. That all would be ok.
But, it wouldn’t be ok. I wasn’t strong enough on my own. None of us are. And here’s the truth friend. Whether you are aware of it or not, you are in a fierce battle. And you don’t have a choice of whether or not to go out onto the battlefield. You are already there. The only choice you have is how well you will fight. Will you live? Or will you die?
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
The battle I lost
My husband, Garrett, had recently joined the staff team at a church on the University of Missouri campus and had begun the arduous process of raising financial support. Leaving the close community of friends from the University of Texas in Austin that we had been a part of for the first five years of our marriage, we suddenly found ourselves very alone. It was this group of people that I had felt a friendship with that I had never had before. Having gone to two different junior high schools and four different high schools, friendships and a sense of community did not come easy for me. It took a much bigger toll on my heart than I thought it would.
On top of that, I felt an emotional distance from Garrett that I could not explain (I learned nearly eight years later that this was most likely due to his secret struggle with pornography). It wasn’t long after we moved that I stopped spending any time with the Lord. I wasn’t regularly in His word. It was a slow and slippery slope that would eventually lead me down to the bottom of a pit.
Instead of believing the truth about God’s pursuit of me, I began to allow my mind to wander with fantasies about other men pursuing me. It was never about engaging in any kind of physical activity in my mind. But, truly, about being pursued. I wanted to be wanted. Even in my fantasies, I would stop it short of anything “actually happening”.
Yet, those fantasies eventually led to real-life flirtations which eventually led to me allowing another man to kiss me. That kiss crossed “the line” that sent me tumbling out of control. Before that kiss, I was inching towards “the line”, never believing I would cross it. Yet, now that it had been crossed, all hell broke loose. It eventually led to a five-year-long affair with the man that kissed me.
You see, God doesn’t call us to not cross a line that we, in our own wisdom, have drawn in the sand. He calls us to run in the opposite direction of the line. To run towards Him. Towards holiness. We draw the line, deceiving ourselves that we are doing ok in the holiness department if we just don’t cross that line. Oftentimes though, when that line is crossed, or even as we get dangerously close to it, we go ahead and draw another line a bit further out, telling ourselves, “ok, as long as I don’t cross this line, I will be ok”.
Friend, any inching towards the line is playing with fire. It opens the door for temptation and for the enemy to gain a foothold. Therefore, we have to ask ourselves, “What direction am I running in?” Not, “How close can I get to the line and still be ok?” I was not running in the direction of holiness. I was not taking my thoughts captive.
“We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
When I stopped spending time in God’s word, I had laid down my armor, making me incredibly vulnerable.
What is the armor of God?
I remember being in Sunday School as a young girl coloring pictures of cartoonish soldiers donning armor, or cutting out armor pieces and playing with them like paper dolls. The armor of God seemed like a nice idea. Something cute even.
Yet, the armor of God is so much more than a cute analogy. It is vital to our survival and determines whether we live our lives in freedom or captivity. Paul exhorts believers to put on the full armor of God in his letter to the Ephesians:
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:13-17
When is the day of evil? It’s any moment of spiritual attack which could come at any time. So, even though I had previously put on the armor of God, I had stopped putting it on by neglecting time in God’s word and fixing my mind on things above. I was left completely naked, ready for the enemy to pounce.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 ESV
Laying down the armor of God
I laid down the breastplate of righteousness, leaving my heart, the most vulnerable part of me, completely exposed.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
I laid down the belt of truth and my shield of faith. I believed the enemy’s flaming arrows, the lies that pierced my heart to its core.
This is just who you are.
God will never take you back.
You have messed up too much for too long.
There is no forgiveness for you.
You are hopeless.
When I stopped spending time in the Word, I laid down my only weapon. The sword of the Spirit. The most powerful weapon of all was at my disposal and I had tossed it aside.
“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” Hebrews 4:12
That helmet of salvation? There was nothing now protecting my mind. My feet were no longer fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace but were now sunk deep in muck and mire.
And here’s the thing. It’s so easy to lay down the armor. To forget that not only are we in battle but that we are actively being hunted. Life gets busy. We think we’re doing ok and that we got this. We’re above doing XYZ. We would never do [fill in the blank]…
Be sober-minded
I appreciate the sober words of two different people that I had told about my past with the affair. Their responses were, in essence, “We are all just one choice away from doing the same thing”. And they are right.
Oswald Chambers states,
“If the Spirit of God has ever given you a vision of what you are apart from the grace of God, then you know that in reality there is no criminal half as bad as yourself could be without His grace. My “grace” has been opened by God and “I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells” (Romans, 7:18). God’s Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from grace.”
My Utmost for His Highest – Oswald Chambers
Part of winning the battle is rejecting Satan’s lie that you are above anything and to think soberly.
“For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Romans 12:3 ESV
Put on the armor of God!
When we have a relationship with Jesus Christ, we also have access to the full armor of God. Yet, as Paul states, we must actively put it on! And once we put it on, we have to keep it on. We’re in a constant battle with the enemy over our hearts and he delights in nothing more than piercing us with his lies and taking us captive.
I had been so blinded while I continued in the affair that I failed to recognize that I was at war. And I was in absolute captivity and enslaved to sin. I had thought that all was lost and that I could not be rescued. But here is the good news friend! As long as you draw breath, it is NEVER too late to call out to the Lord with confession, to turn away from sin and Satan’s lies, and to put the armor on! And then, when spiritual attacks are thrown your way, or when life circumstances seem hopeless, you WILL STAND FIRM!
In Grace & Truth,
Brenna ❤
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