I never set out to have an affair and cheat on my husband. As I walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with Garrett, my husband-to-be, I didn’t hatch a grand master plan to cheat on him and shatter his heart. I made vows to forsake all others and to be faithful to him and him only, and I wholeheartedly meant them. After all, my dad had an affair when I was a young girl and I would never do that to my husband…
Yet, just six years after saying “I do”, I found myself in the arms of another man, seeking his attention and affection instead of my husband’s. How did I get here?
The number one question my husband had after I confessed my affair was “Why?” Heck, it’s the number one question I had asked myself which I did not have a solid answer to. As if any answer to that question would somehow excuse my behavior or make the situation any better.
So, after many years of healing and reflection after confessing my affair and being reconciled with my husband, I can now point to things that contributed to my infidelity. Again, these are not excuses for the destructive choices that I made, but they have helped me gain a better understanding of the slippery slope I slid down to get to the point of committing adultery.
5 reasons why I had an affair and cheated on my husband
- I stopped spending time with my first love, Jesus.
- I forgot that I was in a battle and was being hunted.
- I had not recognized the wounds from my past and how they affected my core beliefs and subsequent actions.
- My heartfelt view of God was not in line with who God truly is.
- The sin of my affair temporarily satisfied me and hooked me into coming back for more.
1. I stopped spending time with my first love, Jesus
After four and a half years of marriage, Garrett and I left our close community of friends in Austin, TX, and moved to Columbia, MO to go on staff with a church on the University of Missouri campus. This staff position required Garrett to raise support for his entire salary through meeting with individuals, sharing the ministry, and asking them to give. This process took us two years, which were incredibly isolating on the church and community front. During this time I slowly stopped spending time in God’s Word.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I held the false belief that I could coast by with my previous experiences with the Lord. After all, I had a pretty good foundation and everything would be fine, right? What’s the big deal? We would be getting plugged into a church soon and I could experience Jesus through that avenue.
Here’s the thing. We NEED our daily bread, God’s Word, to sustain us.
“But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
“I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh.” John 6:51
“Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.” John 6:35
I slowly starved myself. But, instead of partaking in the only bread that satisfies, I opened myself up to consuming other things in an attempt to satisfy my hunger and thirst.
2. I forgot that I was in a battle and was being hunted
Paul makes it clear in Ephesians that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. By not spending time with the Lord and seeking first His kingdom, I naively laid down my armor amid a battle I was in whether I chose to acknowledge the battle or not.
“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:11-17
No longer was I grounded in truth or living out of the righteousness Christ bought for me. I had laid down the shield of faith to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. The fiercest weapon I could use in this battle, the sword of Spirit, the word of God, was cast aside.
My heart and mind were 100% vulnerable to attack from an enemy who does nothing but prowls around seeking to kill, steal and destroy.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Ephesians 6:12
Check out my post, “Why do we need to put on the Armor of God?” to learn more.
3. I had not recognized the wounds from my past and how they affected my core beliefs and subsequent actions.
After confessing my 5 year-long affair to my husband at 33 years old, God took me on an incredible healing journey which included looking back at some of the wounds of my past.
What I learned is that our experiences affect our core beliefs, the deepest beliefs we hold about ourselves, about the world around us, and about God, often unknowingly. Those beliefs in turn affect my thoughts, which affect my feelings, which ultimately then affect my behavior or actions.
When my dad had an affair when I was 8-years-old and chose another family over me, I came to believe that:
- I am not wanted
- I am not worth fighting for
- I am a burden
- I am not valuable
- I am not seen
Even though my dad never had these thoughts or verbalized anything of the sort to me, his actions shouted these indirect messages to my heart. Therefore, I tended to seek relationships where I felt wanted, pursued, and valuable.
Dig deeper with my post “I am such a burden (identifying a shame-based identity)”.
4. My heartfelt view of God was not in line with who God truly is.
The core beliefs that I held about myself were also reflected in the deepest beliefs I held about God. I believed in my head all of the things the Bible says God is and how He feels about me, but I came to realize that those things were not anchored as true beliefs in my heart. My experiences had given me different lenses in which I viewed God, yet I didn’t know that I had them on.
What do you really believe about God? I’m not talking about head knowledge here. But your feelings, your beliefs, in your gut, about who God truly is.
Let’s do a little exercise.
Imagine yourself completely alone in a room with God.
Are you close? Does He see you? What is the expression on His face? What do you imagine He is thinking about you?
How about you? Do you try to keep your distance? How does it make you feel to be there with Him? What is your expression? Can you look Him in the eyes?
Seriously, let’s pause here. Take some time to reflect upon these question. Write down your thoughts. Draw a picture of what this looks like.
Here was my picture when I did a similar exercise for the first time. It isn’t anything fancy, but it summed up my feelings.
My heartfelt view of God had been that God doesn’t see me and He doesn’t care. I believe a lot of my rebelliousness towards God throughout different periods of my life was testing Him in some way. Look at me now God! Do you see me? Do you care?!?
“The most determinative factor is our “feltness” of who God is and what He is really like. It is surprising the number of genuine Christians who are caught in an inner conflict between what they think about God and what the feel about God (and how He feels toward them)…Years of experience have taught me that regardless of how much correct doctrine Christians may know, until they have a picture and a sense that God is truly good and gracious, there can be no lasting spiritual victory in their lives.”
Healing of Memories, David A. Seamands
After walking through the aftermath of my affair and clinging to God and His truth, I now have an entirely different picture. Now, I am His precious daughter, sitting on His lap as He tenderly catches the tears from my cheek and strokes my hair. My head rests in peace upon His chest. He sees me. He knows me. And He longs to be with me and comfort me. He showers me with His love and bathes me in His grace.
Check out my post "Lies we believe (how experiences affect our core beliefs)" to dig deeper.
5. The sin of my affair temporarily satisfied me and hooked me into coming back for more.
I would be remiss and not fully honest if I didn’t acknowledge that it felt good to feel wanted, pursued, and desirable. If sin felt 100% terrible all of the time, would we struggle with it so much? Yet, I had created a hole in my heart that is only meant for God to fill. And God is the only one who can truly fill it. However, in our human nature, oftentimes we seek so many other things to fill that void.
For me, it was the affair. For others, it may be pornography, alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc. It could be a myriad of things that are taking the place of God in our lives. While those things seem to temporarily satisfy, we are still left with a void. So, we go back to those things to get that sense of temporary satisfaction again. And after a short while we feel empty and unsatisfied again. We find ourselves in a vicious cycle, finding it incredibly difficult to break free. As it says in Proverbs,
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.”
Proverbs 26:11
Or another common phrase we are familiar with:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
We are never truly satisfied or at peace. Yet, we keep trying the same thing over and over again. Or perhaps, we intensify our efforts thinking more of the bad medicine we’ve become addicted to will surely be the cure.
While often in my affair I felt wanted and desirable, there were many times when I also felt incredibly used. Less than. Unknown. I hated what I was doing. I hated constantly telling lies and living in fear. It brought on another whole world of hurt to my heart. Sin has great consequences. I completely could relate to Paul when he states:
“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”
Romans 7:15 NLV
On top of the vicious cycle of sin, we have an enemy who is constantly feeding us lies. Here are some of the lies I believed:
- This is just who I am
- God will never take me back
- I have messed up too bad for too long
- There is no hope for me
What are you believing? If those beliefs do not line up with God’s Word, they are LIES. We must reject the lies and cling to God’s truth!
There is hope!
The things we turn to other than God will NEVER satisfy, but we can break free!
We must take responsibility for the choices that we have made. We have to humbly face the consequences of our actions. And with confession, we can find healing. With repentance we find refreshment. We can be reconciled to God and He will joyfully take us back and forgive us.
“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord…” Acts 3:19
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:19
“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” Psalm 107:9
“…who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalm 103:3-5
Friends, we must take time to evaluate why we are making the destructive decisions that we make. We have to acknowledge the wounds of our past and allow for healing to take place! God longs to meet with you where you are!
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3
In Grace & Truth,
Brenna ❤
P.S. Download these 10 Truths About God that give us hope!
