“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” 1 Timothy 1:15
I had done the unthinkable. And not just once, but I was living in repeated, habitual sin. I believed so many lies; and told even more. I believed that this was just who I am, I had gone too far, God would never forgive me or take me back. I had strayed too far for too long.
My husband, Garrett, and I had been married 11 years at that point. We had met at a Christian Leadership Training Program at the beginning of one summer and were engaged by the end of that summer.
God had made it clear to both of us that He intended us for one another. And I had never doubted that – it was absolutely beautiful how God sweetly brought us together and it was such an answer to prayer and my deepest heart’s desire.
Garrett’s Confession
Just a month before our 11-year wedding anniversary, Garrett tenderly sat me down on the couch in our living room because he needed to tell me something. With a contrite and broken heart, he confessed that for the past eight years of our marriage he had struggled on and off again with pornography. I had naively thought it would never be an issue for us as it had never been a struggle for him prior to us getting married. Yet, I was so thankful that he confessed and to finally know what the distance I had sensed in him so long ago was most likely attributed to.
My (Brenna’s) Confession
But, unbeknownst to him, at the time he confessed his struggle with pornography to me, I had been having an affair with a man I worked with for the past FIVE years. The one horrendous thing I never, ever thought I would do, or somehow even be capable of, both because I loved Jesus and loved my husband. As Garrett confessed, a million thoughts swirled in my mind, but I still didn’t have the guts to confess my own sin. I also didn’t feel like I could fully feel the hurt and betrayal done to me because of the massive hurt and betrayal I was hiding.
God, in His goodness, was beginning to help put to death all the wickedness and sin that we had been engaged with and hiding from one another. However, it wasn’t until a couple of months after Garrett confessed that I finally confessed my affair. God had used a previous coworker to confront me and give me an ultimatum – either I would tell Garrett, or he would. There is a lot surrounding this confrontation that had me questioning this guy’s motives, but the bottom line is that I needed that “come to Jesus moment” to break free.
I had tried to end the affair so many times but was constantly sucked back in. When you create such a hole in your heart that only God can fill, but don’t turn to God to fill it, you constantly find yourself turning to the same short-lived, incomplete, deadly deception in an attempt to fill that void. Yet, it never fully satisfies. My heart and my mind had truly become Satan’s playground. He had such a foothold – I truly was the walking dead.
Immediately after my confession, I felt a myriad of emotions. I felt horrified at what I had to articulate to my sweet husband of what I had done. Terrified of what the future of our relationship may or may not be. Utterly sickened by the havoc I had just unleashed upon his heart and his mind.
Yet, I also felt immense joy and indescribable freedom. I was finally coming home into my beautiful Savior’s arms. And He ran out to meet me to welcome me home, wrap me up in His embrace and celebrate my return instead of rubbing my nose in my mistakes. No, not just mistakes – my utter defiance and rebellion.
Garrett quickly committed to working toward forgiveness and we would have a very long road ahead of us. But we would work. And we would grieve. And be angry. And be filled with overwhelming regret and remorse.
We chose minute by minute to fight for one another together with Jesus, and He is oh so faithful. We certainly didn’t navigate everything perfectly, but we chose to navigate it all with the One who is perfect, and that made all the difference.
Renewing Vows and a Baby!
On the three-year anniversary of my confession, we renewed our vows to one another. A few months later, I became pregnant with our son, Eben, who is such a joy and blessing and a true gift after mourning the fact that my sin may have cost us ever pursuing having a family together.
Baby Loss
When we tried to expand our family a couple of years later, we entered a season where we lost five babies in an 18-month timeframe. A 6-week miscarriage, a 20-week loss where I delivered our sweet baby girl, Maia Joi, a 9-week miscarriage that sent me to the emergency room hemorrhaging and on the verge of a blood transfusion, and another 16-week loss where I delivered our twin baby boys.
With all that God had previously brought us through, we were now standing on a firm foundation to see us through even these devastating heartbreaks. After the loss of our twins, we completely surrendered the desire of expanding our family to the Lord and stopped actively trying to get pregnant.
“Try Again” – A Beautiful Baby Girl
Two years later, completely out of the blue, God separately put it on both of our hearts to try again. So, we did and immediately became pregnant. Garrett in particular experienced a lot of stress and anxiety whenever we would go to the doctor to listen to the heartbeat or have an ultrasound. Towards the end of the pregnancy, COVID-19 came onto the scene, yet, in June of 2020, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl, Zoey. God had not forgotten the desires of our hearts. He is so very sweet and we are so incredibly thankful!
All of this is to say, that this blog is simply a platform to tell our God stories as we have so many of them. Story after story of tender God moments, realizations, lessons learned, and most of all, our experience of the exorbitant grace, mercy, and forgiveness that was and is showered upon us by our perfect Father.
We simply cannot stay silent on all that He has done and we pray that you experience something here that brings you closer to living in the freedom that God created you to live in. That you experience his tender mercies and the grace that falls like rain on your life. That despite your own sin, brokenness, and the heartache you have suffered, you would skip like a calf loosed from its stall.
With much love, Brenna
“But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings. You shall go out leaping like calves from the stall.” Malachi 4:2
Farther Along
Farther along we’ll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by
The good man dies, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I’ve seen
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
Some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin’ that line back home
And shine like you struck gold my
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
I go down to the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright
Farther along we’ll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by, oh yeah
Yeah-yeah
Between the rock and a compromise
Like truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
I’ve got no place left go
‘Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
It’s more glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluff
Let the flood wash me
Some rejoice and the others fuss
‘Cause every knee must bow and
The son of God is forever blessed
This is the kingdom and we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon
Farther along we’ll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by