difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. She is pathetic. NO! At first, I tried to play it cool. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? I dont want to be around YOU. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. I was calm and polite as always. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. ago. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Surely ther. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. He replied were not over. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. Im just searching for some truth. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. After trauma, you may be unable to control the. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? I think part of me has always wanted to have some sort of exit conversation and I let him know somewhat indirectly in my text that I was interested in an apology. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) Took a few years mind. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Narc with more baggage than an airport. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". Hi Rosie! He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! Also, which guy was he trying to impress when he told YOU that he had 6 booty calls lined up for whenever he wants? To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. This post is really something to think about. I tried to be friends with him again this year. No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. There is a problem with It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. Take a minute. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. We just cant take anymore! No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? I learned to do without her when I was about 8. What if? It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. He does not mean you well. Dont make excuses for this idiot! After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. I know I do! I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Its a choice. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. And dont feel guilty about it. Remorse? Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. Wanted to see whats going on. ", "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you,", , a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Not an easy road, but doable. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Yet, this time, Im finding it so hard. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? That just comes with time and distance. | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with Its also not a dating handbook. Thats the tricky part. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. I did not respond. I needed it today. Choose to forgive the person who's offended you. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. dcd568so sorry for your pain. %PDF-1.6 % Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. Otherwise, it will burn. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. This is yet another occurrence where you put something into words that I havent seen anywhere before. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. I dont expect a reaction he never gets angry or shows any emotion at all in fact. You just gotta listen and watch. I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. I really have no feelings towards her at all. What a bullet you dodged. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. Its as though I either like you or I dont even see you. Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. So I relented. Dont waste your time with him. You deserve better than that. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Should I break the no contact? In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. NC is brilliant. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. Ive come to terms with it rather. Dont They Care About Me? If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. Did I learn lessons along the way? However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. Wonderful. i know I am a jackass. We get it all here. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. No mother its you. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. The message she left was so hurtful. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. thts it. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. I had to wrestle and wrestle with forgiveness for a few years there and in the end I just came to terms with the fact that I wasnt going to feel okay if I thought about it, so the best thing was to probably not think about it more than I could help (although, in keeping with the religious theme, I found that God helped with this when I asked). The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. This is drama and will go nowhere! Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Validation? Were always so ready to call/txt the ex when we hear that word. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. So need this. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. DGzCarbon This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Can You Take a Hint? Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? There is a silver lining to everything. Just wanted to clarify. . Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! Thanks a lot for your insights, they are always appreciated. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. .What if they have changed? Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Sad but true. I was totally mesmerized. Realize this. Im doing pretty well. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future.